bathroom silence

i was washing my hands in the bathroom yesterday and it was a small bathroom and it was just me and one other girl in there washing our hands right next to each other

it freaks me out that we can just both pretend like the other one isnt in the bathroom.. like the other person doesnt even exist!! why do people do that??? we go about our business in that small. confined place and dont even acknowledge each other's presence!!

and that's just one instance... that happens all the time... everyone's on their own little agenda... but yet we still have some things we have to share... like elevators, bathrooms, stores, movie theaters, the little area at coffee shops where you get coffee stirrers and sugars and milk

the same day i was sitting in the library and i saw a guy sit down with a group of 3 girls who were sitting at a 4-chair table.... he had PLENTY of room for all his stuff, but one of the girls moves her phone an INCH in toward her... an INCH!!!! it's like the phone was outside of her bubble and intruded into his bubble that he was making when he sat down... i dont know.. social spaces have really been on my mind lately

on the other hand, my kitten doesnt have social spaces and lays on my face sometimes just because that's where she wants to be

i am going to go into the library and sprawl out completely on someone's table... all over their books and snacks and phones and laptops.. and see what they say.... a couple options:

laugh

yell at me.. something like "what the fuck, man!!"

have a low-reaction time and just watch me do it... THEN yell at me

or they'd be too worried about making a scene and they'd just let me do it

on my last day of finals, i'm going to do it.. i mean i dont want to have to see those kids oncampus for the next year ... ya know??

NOW YOU KNOW

is victor a word?

i have a horrible habit of hating someone i never give a chance. it happens all the time.. this happens mostly (always) with girls... guys i dont do it with because (sorry boys) they are usually too simple to provoke any sort of intimidation.

girls, though... girls girls... they are vicious creatures sometimes. I especially know because I am truly guilty for being a vicious girl at her finest.. this is probably a huge reason why i dont trust other girls. i'm fully aware of their capabilities..

but the energy of hatred i waste is truly just wasted because it never is what it seems. this is true for multiple occasions and i have not yet seemed to learn my lesson. however, i am addressing the problem and finding its roots... this will at least help me to now overcome this problem

root of problem: my mother (hi mom!).... she taught me everything i know about the cruel tactics of women.. thank you, mother.. you have protected me from falling face first in front of very cruel women, but you have also allowed me to become the kind of girls i hate, to a certain extent at least

I do not wish (women) to have power over men; but over themselves. – Mary Wollstonecraft

Now You Know

Violence is the only answer.

Reading: Franz Fanon "Wretched of the Earth

Elaine Feinstein "Anna of the Russias"

Are we not always in constant war? Is a war only betwen two conflicting groups of people? What about the conscious war between health and disease? Bacteria is a living entity that fights for survival everyday in a space which we claim as our own. This body is our possesion and bacteria are trying to survive using our own necessities: skin, organs, blood, fluid. This is their survival tactic.

They survive and we die or we survive and they die. Concurrently, humans spend an entire lifetime preparing themselves for this battle. Vaccines, anti-bacterial devices, isolation of the contaminated. We are constantly on an upward struggle. Always killing off one thing that threatens our existence.

Gravity: Gravity tries to press down upon us and we are constantly forcing ourselves back up. The building of muscles has become a lifelong preparation to literally fight against gravity. We are constantly at war with things/ factors that threaten our existence and the only time we are truly liberated from this struggle is when we, as individuals, cease to exist. Is this liberation or defeat? Did we lose? What/who is the victor? Can we say that time is the absolute victor? And in the individual battles, can we say that gravity or disease was the victor?

We are at a constant war for existence in a space we consider our own, in a time we consider our own. We do not compromise with anything that threatens our existence. we ddeessttrroooyy it... it is embedded in each and every one of us. we will struggle for survival at all cost or we will cease to exist.

Angela rants pt. 234897352: straight to DVD

i started resisting the ever-growing temptation of purchasing any article of new clothing.. it's a difficult task to take on especially when i need like socks or i want new tights, but i'm trying trying trying

a couple (6) years back, my family lost everything because the the business my dad owned could not compete with the cheapy prices in china... the irony of it is he got a job as a longshoremen, unloading the carts full of cheap labor material that took everything from him in the first place

now, i take a stand not to buy anything from china (or any other developing country, for that matter)... everything made in the USA is so expensive but it's only because it's in low demand... i wished that at least a small group of people would start doing the same: resisting the temptation of cheap products made by cheap labor... these are PEOPLE!! people that are stripped of all their own rights only to make our consumer *COUGH* BULLSHIT *COUGH* goods...

every great country was built by the slaves it controls.

imperialism imperialism imperialism... i cannot say it enough.

europe held onto thier colonies, french held on to their colonies.. and used them for EVERYTHING... until the people of those underdeveloped countries TOOK A FRIKKIN STAND ((frikkin is my new word.. i'm trying not to fucking cuss anymore))

right now,we are built by the slaves we hold in china... the question is, when will they realize their importance and start using it to their advantage?? this isn't completely out of the question here, people!! this is the way it always always ALWAYS happens.. i'm not saying "history repeats itself!!"

i'm just saying, when you take away everything from a people and they have nothing else to lose, they're more willing to fight ((not just in china.. but everywhere))

now i'm ALSO not saying all of china is our slave... but they are our driving force.. the engine that pushes our spoiled asses along... but we're falling, they're oppressed, and something is going to happen quick-status

can someone please take a stand on something?? i walk around and watch people move about because they're minimally satisfied for right now...

when will it be enough for people to actually start standing up for themselves?

are we going to wait until it's soo beyond repairable that we have to indulge in a whole new system??

why dont we start now while it's still festering?

they all look like they're ready for a fight, but to only decorate themselves as people who are taking a stand is not nearly enough. when i confront most of them, they are standing on nothing but a guitar and a heap of clothes made for a stand taken by another generation.. these are not people who are creating movements.. these are people who like the idea but are too scared or lazy to do anything about it...

this is why when you see those "hippies" on the grass playing their goddamn guitars and spreading flowers you cringe at their stupidity... ignorance is bliss for these kids

i am not ignorant.. i am not a hippie... and i will not let my dignity fall because everyone else has taken that route

goddamnit i need to stop drinking so much coffee before i start writing this... and i also need to calm down on the reading i'm doing.. but i cant help it.. it drives me!! DRIVES ME!!

PS thank you to all my friends who listen and listen and engage in proper and WONDERFUL conversations with me... to you, i owe my entire foundation i've built for myself and for you.

ignorance is bliss, but cannot be appreciated by the ignorant.

Currently reading:

Frantz Fanon "the Wretched of the Earth"

Edmund Morgan "The Birth of the Republic"

those aren't the only two books i'm reading but they're what's pushing me more than anything right now in my trains of thought.... if i can suggest any book to someone who's interested in the process and start of a revolution, it would have to be fanon.. he's an algerian french revolutionary that talks about decolonization and he believes that you can only do it through violence and force... that nonviolence and compromise do NOT work!

OOOOMMMGGG my kitten is laying next to me playing with the zipper on my laptop case and she fell asleep mid-swing of her paw!! probably one of the cutest things i've ever seen... her movements just got slower and she finally just slowly closed her eyes...

ok anyways.. back to what i was saying.. i've been spending a lot of time alone and just reading and i've been noticing that it's hard for me to transition back into tedious bullshit normal conversations with my friends... like yesterday i spent all day reading fanon's book then i went out with my derby team to see Whip It and i was quiet and observant... i slowly went back to having fun and being silly like usual but it was really weird how long it took me to go back to the "simple things in life".... i find myself slowly becoming a lonely philosopher and intellect who has a hard time being a normal 22-year-old with normal 22-year-old problems... everything is bigger than me, greater than me... greater than my small problems

this is a short post... back to reading!!

constant change = acceptable oxymoron

the only constant is change. this is probably a phrase in which most have heard but few have accepted. everything changes all day and every day. no matter how much you'd like things to stay the same,they dont

some may argue that staying the same is boring anyway, and that change is good (for the most part). but, at the same time, some have tied into tradition and societa norms so much that there is no more question of whether things should or should not change anymore.

when the women's movement happened in both america and in europe, the women were literally fighting against something that was considered a natural law. women were bound by nature to their duties as a home maker and child-bearer. there was no question as to whether this was true or not. this was the way it was. even during the movement of women's rights, there were still some women who thought of this as unnatural and too radical. that the women who were trying to change were out of their minds or barbaric almost.

but now, with most universities' statistically enrolling more women than men, we can see that what was considered natural at one point in time is now unfathomable.

this brings me to think of other things that have maybe been considered naturally the way things go but really they are just something we've agreed upon to the be the norm: the nuclear family (father, mother, usually 2 children)? privatized healthcare?

expand your mind to think of things that you consider to be naturally the way things go and ask yourself if it really is the truth or if it is indeed a fabricated truth that you were born into and have just accepted as the norm

this blog was supposed to go another way... but my thought process took me here... i wanted to make this more about an individual and not so much as a societal consideration

so look at also yourself... every morning you wake up (which is a true blessing!), ask yourself if what you do everyday is what you want to do or just something you have agreed to and havent been able to get out of... you should be always doing exactly what you want and when you want... and then some may argue that chaos would ensue if everyone did what they wanted. but i can only come back with the argument that if you are a good person, what you want to do will always positively contribute to the general health of a society

if you love what you do, you do what you do right.

i started getting in the habit of always asking myself "what do you WANT to do today?" because sometimes i find myself doing things because i think i'm supposed to be doing them.... but this should never EVER be the case.. this isnt dress rehearsal.. this is your only chance

this has become a reiteration of past blogs... but i dont care.. it's the most important message i can convey

Now You Know

simplicity v. complexity

ok i hope i did that right...i've never posted a video.... but this video is really inspiring and i just wanted to keep it moving along to different people. i dont know who's reading this but keep this video going.. i think it's the innocence and simplicity of it that really gets to me... i mean she isnt filling her speech with big words or specific hard facts or even a way to fix things. she's addressing what i feel john locke and james harrington addressed back in the 18th century that influenced the american colonies to split off....

they addressed the idea of humans and how you are only in possession of your own body when you are born but you work into whatever you become.. that's a really diluted and quick overview of the locke philosophy, but it's the truth!!

ok school is calling my name... i just wanted to post this for anyone who hasn't been cursed with the disease of apathy