finals over= need to get my writing fix elsewhere

this will be a post that i've been meaning to write, but have been so busy that i couldn't.

driving to my parents' house, i pass by three fire trucks and an ambulance at the local library, helping some guy on the bus stop. i was stopped at a red light right next to the scene and i couldn't help but tear my eyes away from the poor old man and instead look over to the people who were watching the whole thing go down. what were they looking at? what were they looking FOR?? this scene of heroic firemen coming together to help this old man who needed saving. something out of the ordinary!!

you go to work, you go to school, you eat a little, you sleep a little, you watch some intense movies that allow you to pretend for an hour and a half that you are someone else doing something else. you have to watch other people doing things that you'd probably never dare do in reality. so you put a down payment on a 42" flat panel display with full HD and hope, HOPE, that you can be transcended into this fake world and become a ninja, a beauty queen, a riches to rags story, ANYTHING other than how your life is turning out now...

other than movies, i guess in the sack is another place you can really become a part of your fantasy... so i guess, you make love a little too so you can get out of the gross funk that is your life

so those firemen... saving, heroic!! in actuality, 3 firetrucks were probably NOT needed, but it's lakewood... what else do they have to do at 2 in the afternoon on a thursday? but they were there, and i watched so many people drive by and rubber neck it for a quick glance at something out of the ordinary.. out of their reality of a pathetic, 9-5, family-bound life...

thank you firemen: you saved a life and entertained a crowd.

do not read this:

haha i knew you were going to anyway

i started my period today (i warned you)

problem solved.. root of depression defined

all is well in angela's world again... until next month, ladies and gentlemen!!

so what else did i want to talk about?? ok here's an excerpt from a book i'm reading on the developments of the constitution: (president= John Adams)

"The President's House in November 1800 was not for the faint of heart. Building equipment littered the yard. The mansion and grounds were open to public view, surrounded only by a wood-rail fence. Curious gawkers frequently wandered in and out of the house, a phenomenon that led Marshall to ask the capital's commissioners for a system of regulating the visitors. Although builders were beginning to install indoor water closets in some new houses, none had been provided for the president. The president and First Lady had to venture out in the exposed yard to a wooden privy. Abigail Adams frequently hung laundry in the East Room."

- The Great Decision by Sloan and Mckean

hahhahaha.. this is hilarious... the white house at its finest, i swear

also, the supreme court was honored with the basement as their meeting quarters.. how awesome

and just for the heck of it, here's another awesome piece of art

the sshhheeeeiittt, i must say.

this is the kinda stuff that gives me all kindsa crazy anxiety about how much i want to learn about these giant crazy islands we call continents.

Now You Know

Rollercoaser of Emotions, party of 1

i'm usually good about keeping myself in check... i have a strong, stable head on my shoulders and can notice where my emotions are rooting. but for the past 4 days, i've been at an all-out war with my own thoughts... all-out.. literally yelling at myself to calm down and stop being irrational and stop thinking about "what-ifs".... it's fully consumed me and i dont know how to stop it and that's when it's scary.. when it's out of my control.. when it just goes on its own... my thoughts versus my rationality and commitment to BDOML (best day of my life... see previous entries)

what triggered this?? this is my dilemma... it could be a number of things:

- tied down to more obligations than leisure, creative time

- getting older and coming to the realization of disease and fatality

- nobody else to fix!!

those seem to be the ones that hit most... but they hit before... i knew all that and had all those factors in my life before and it still hit me

so i think that it is more getting out of the vacuum of pessimism and pull myself through the balckhole and back into the cloud of optimism.. because whichever way i look at it, it's going to happen anyway.. so i should probably just look at it in a more optimistic tone and make it worth my while

in other news, this is awesome

http://www.justfortheloveofit.org/

Two of my most favorite pieces of art in the past 2 weeks:

and

just something to think about... these pictures can strike up a whole bunch of conversation.. none that i have time for right now... on to islamic conquests of india in the 18th and 19th century... i said goodday

bathroom silence

i was washing my hands in the bathroom yesterday and it was a small bathroom and it was just me and one other girl in there washing our hands right next to each other

it freaks me out that we can just both pretend like the other one isnt in the bathroom.. like the other person doesnt even exist!! why do people do that??? we go about our business in that small. confined place and dont even acknowledge each other's presence!!

and that's just one instance... that happens all the time... everyone's on their own little agenda... but yet we still have some things we have to share... like elevators, bathrooms, stores, movie theaters, the little area at coffee shops where you get coffee stirrers and sugars and milk

the same day i was sitting in the library and i saw a guy sit down with a group of 3 girls who were sitting at a 4-chair table.... he had PLENTY of room for all his stuff, but one of the girls moves her phone an INCH in toward her... an INCH!!!! it's like the phone was outside of her bubble and intruded into his bubble that he was making when he sat down... i dont know.. social spaces have really been on my mind lately

on the other hand, my kitten doesnt have social spaces and lays on my face sometimes just because that's where she wants to be

i am going to go into the library and sprawl out completely on someone's table... all over their books and snacks and phones and laptops.. and see what they say.... a couple options:

laugh

yell at me.. something like "what the fuck, man!!"

have a low-reaction time and just watch me do it... THEN yell at me

or they'd be too worried about making a scene and they'd just let me do it

on my last day of finals, i'm going to do it.. i mean i dont want to have to see those kids oncampus for the next year ... ya know??

NOW YOU KNOW

is victor a word?

i have a horrible habit of hating someone i never give a chance. it happens all the time.. this happens mostly (always) with girls... guys i dont do it with because (sorry boys) they are usually too simple to provoke any sort of intimidation.

girls, though... girls girls... they are vicious creatures sometimes. I especially know because I am truly guilty for being a vicious girl at her finest.. this is probably a huge reason why i dont trust other girls. i'm fully aware of their capabilities..

but the energy of hatred i waste is truly just wasted because it never is what it seems. this is true for multiple occasions and i have not yet seemed to learn my lesson. however, i am addressing the problem and finding its roots... this will at least help me to now overcome this problem

root of problem: my mother (hi mom!).... she taught me everything i know about the cruel tactics of women.. thank you, mother.. you have protected me from falling face first in front of very cruel women, but you have also allowed me to become the kind of girls i hate, to a certain extent at least

I do not wish (women) to have power over men; but over themselves. – Mary Wollstonecraft

Now You Know

Violence is the only answer.

Reading: Franz Fanon "Wretched of the Earth

Elaine Feinstein "Anna of the Russias"

Are we not always in constant war? Is a war only betwen two conflicting groups of people? What about the conscious war between health and disease? Bacteria is a living entity that fights for survival everyday in a space which we claim as our own. This body is our possesion and bacteria are trying to survive using our own necessities: skin, organs, blood, fluid. This is their survival tactic.

They survive and we die or we survive and they die. Concurrently, humans spend an entire lifetime preparing themselves for this battle. Vaccines, anti-bacterial devices, isolation of the contaminated. We are constantly on an upward struggle. Always killing off one thing that threatens our existence.

Gravity: Gravity tries to press down upon us and we are constantly forcing ourselves back up. The building of muscles has become a lifelong preparation to literally fight against gravity. We are constantly at war with things/ factors that threaten our existence and the only time we are truly liberated from this struggle is when we, as individuals, cease to exist. Is this liberation or defeat? Did we lose? What/who is the victor? Can we say that time is the absolute victor? And in the individual battles, can we say that gravity or disease was the victor?

We are at a constant war for existence in a space we consider our own, in a time we consider our own. We do not compromise with anything that threatens our existence. we ddeessttrroooyy it... it is embedded in each and every one of us. we will struggle for survival at all cost or we will cease to exist.