do not read this:

haha i knew you were going to anyway

i started my period today (i warned you)

problem solved.. root of depression defined

all is well in angela's world again... until next month, ladies and gentlemen!!

so what else did i want to talk about?? ok here's an excerpt from a book i'm reading on the developments of the constitution: (president= John Adams)

"The President's House in November 1800 was not for the faint of heart. Building equipment littered the yard. The mansion and grounds were open to public view, surrounded only by a wood-rail fence. Curious gawkers frequently wandered in and out of the house, a phenomenon that led Marshall to ask the capital's commissioners for a system of regulating the visitors. Although builders were beginning to install indoor water closets in some new houses, none had been provided for the president. The president and First Lady had to venture out in the exposed yard to a wooden privy. Abigail Adams frequently hung laundry in the East Room."

- The Great Decision by Sloan and Mckean

hahhahaha.. this is hilarious... the white house at its finest, i swear

also, the supreme court was honored with the basement as their meeting quarters.. how awesome

and just for the heck of it, here's another awesome piece of art

the sshhheeeeiittt, i must say.

this is the kinda stuff that gives me all kindsa crazy anxiety about how much i want to learn about these giant crazy islands we call continents.

Now You Know

Rollercoaser of Emotions, party of 1

i'm usually good about keeping myself in check... i have a strong, stable head on my shoulders and can notice where my emotions are rooting. but for the past 4 days, i've been at an all-out war with my own thoughts... all-out.. literally yelling at myself to calm down and stop being irrational and stop thinking about "what-ifs".... it's fully consumed me and i dont know how to stop it and that's when it's scary.. when it's out of my control.. when it just goes on its own... my thoughts versus my rationality and commitment to BDOML (best day of my life... see previous entries)

what triggered this?? this is my dilemma... it could be a number of things:

- tied down to more obligations than leisure, creative time

- getting older and coming to the realization of disease and fatality

- nobody else to fix!!

those seem to be the ones that hit most... but they hit before... i knew all that and had all those factors in my life before and it still hit me

so i think that it is more getting out of the vacuum of pessimism and pull myself through the balckhole and back into the cloud of optimism.. because whichever way i look at it, it's going to happen anyway.. so i should probably just look at it in a more optimistic tone and make it worth my while

in other news, this is awesome

http://www.justfortheloveofit.org/

Two of my most favorite pieces of art in the past 2 weeks:

and

just something to think about... these pictures can strike up a whole bunch of conversation.. none that i have time for right now... on to islamic conquests of india in the 18th and 19th century... i said goodday

bathroom silence

i was washing my hands in the bathroom yesterday and it was a small bathroom and it was just me and one other girl in there washing our hands right next to each other

it freaks me out that we can just both pretend like the other one isnt in the bathroom.. like the other person doesnt even exist!! why do people do that??? we go about our business in that small. confined place and dont even acknowledge each other's presence!!

and that's just one instance... that happens all the time... everyone's on their own little agenda... but yet we still have some things we have to share... like elevators, bathrooms, stores, movie theaters, the little area at coffee shops where you get coffee stirrers and sugars and milk

the same day i was sitting in the library and i saw a guy sit down with a group of 3 girls who were sitting at a 4-chair table.... he had PLENTY of room for all his stuff, but one of the girls moves her phone an INCH in toward her... an INCH!!!! it's like the phone was outside of her bubble and intruded into his bubble that he was making when he sat down... i dont know.. social spaces have really been on my mind lately

on the other hand, my kitten doesnt have social spaces and lays on my face sometimes just because that's where she wants to be

i am going to go into the library and sprawl out completely on someone's table... all over their books and snacks and phones and laptops.. and see what they say.... a couple options:

laugh

yell at me.. something like "what the fuck, man!!"

have a low-reaction time and just watch me do it... THEN yell at me

or they'd be too worried about making a scene and they'd just let me do it

on my last day of finals, i'm going to do it.. i mean i dont want to have to see those kids oncampus for the next year ... ya know??

NOW YOU KNOW

is victor a word?

i have a horrible habit of hating someone i never give a chance. it happens all the time.. this happens mostly (always) with girls... guys i dont do it with because (sorry boys) they are usually too simple to provoke any sort of intimidation.

girls, though... girls girls... they are vicious creatures sometimes. I especially know because I am truly guilty for being a vicious girl at her finest.. this is probably a huge reason why i dont trust other girls. i'm fully aware of their capabilities..

but the energy of hatred i waste is truly just wasted because it never is what it seems. this is true for multiple occasions and i have not yet seemed to learn my lesson. however, i am addressing the problem and finding its roots... this will at least help me to now overcome this problem

root of problem: my mother (hi mom!).... she taught me everything i know about the cruel tactics of women.. thank you, mother.. you have protected me from falling face first in front of very cruel women, but you have also allowed me to become the kind of girls i hate, to a certain extent at least

I do not wish (women) to have power over men; but over themselves. – Mary Wollstonecraft

Now You Know

Violence is the only answer.

Reading: Franz Fanon "Wretched of the Earth

Elaine Feinstein "Anna of the Russias"

Are we not always in constant war? Is a war only betwen two conflicting groups of people? What about the conscious war between health and disease? Bacteria is a living entity that fights for survival everyday in a space which we claim as our own. This body is our possesion and bacteria are trying to survive using our own necessities: skin, organs, blood, fluid. This is their survival tactic.

They survive and we die or we survive and they die. Concurrently, humans spend an entire lifetime preparing themselves for this battle. Vaccines, anti-bacterial devices, isolation of the contaminated. We are constantly on an upward struggle. Always killing off one thing that threatens our existence.

Gravity: Gravity tries to press down upon us and we are constantly forcing ourselves back up. The building of muscles has become a lifelong preparation to literally fight against gravity. We are constantly at war with things/ factors that threaten our existence and the only time we are truly liberated from this struggle is when we, as individuals, cease to exist. Is this liberation or defeat? Did we lose? What/who is the victor? Can we say that time is the absolute victor? And in the individual battles, can we say that gravity or disease was the victor?

We are at a constant war for existence in a space we consider our own, in a time we consider our own. We do not compromise with anything that threatens our existence. we ddeessttrroooyy it... it is embedded in each and every one of us. we will struggle for survival at all cost or we will cease to exist.

Angela rants pt. 234897352: straight to DVD

i started resisting the ever-growing temptation of purchasing any article of new clothing.. it's a difficult task to take on especially when i need like socks or i want new tights, but i'm trying trying trying

a couple (6) years back, my family lost everything because the the business my dad owned could not compete with the cheapy prices in china... the irony of it is he got a job as a longshoremen, unloading the carts full of cheap labor material that took everything from him in the first place

now, i take a stand not to buy anything from china (or any other developing country, for that matter)... everything made in the USA is so expensive but it's only because it's in low demand... i wished that at least a small group of people would start doing the same: resisting the temptation of cheap products made by cheap labor... these are PEOPLE!! people that are stripped of all their own rights only to make our consumer *COUGH* BULLSHIT *COUGH* goods...

every great country was built by the slaves it controls.

imperialism imperialism imperialism... i cannot say it enough.

europe held onto thier colonies, french held on to their colonies.. and used them for EVERYTHING... until the people of those underdeveloped countries TOOK A FRIKKIN STAND ((frikkin is my new word.. i'm trying not to fucking cuss anymore))

right now,we are built by the slaves we hold in china... the question is, when will they realize their importance and start using it to their advantage?? this isn't completely out of the question here, people!! this is the way it always always ALWAYS happens.. i'm not saying "history repeats itself!!"

i'm just saying, when you take away everything from a people and they have nothing else to lose, they're more willing to fight ((not just in china.. but everywhere))

now i'm ALSO not saying all of china is our slave... but they are our driving force.. the engine that pushes our spoiled asses along... but we're falling, they're oppressed, and something is going to happen quick-status

can someone please take a stand on something?? i walk around and watch people move about because they're minimally satisfied for right now...

when will it be enough for people to actually start standing up for themselves?

are we going to wait until it's soo beyond repairable that we have to indulge in a whole new system??

why dont we start now while it's still festering?

they all look like they're ready for a fight, but to only decorate themselves as people who are taking a stand is not nearly enough. when i confront most of them, they are standing on nothing but a guitar and a heap of clothes made for a stand taken by another generation.. these are not people who are creating movements.. these are people who like the idea but are too scared or lazy to do anything about it...

this is why when you see those "hippies" on the grass playing their goddamn guitars and spreading flowers you cringe at their stupidity... ignorance is bliss for these kids

i am not ignorant.. i am not a hippie... and i will not let my dignity fall because everyone else has taken that route

goddamnit i need to stop drinking so much coffee before i start writing this... and i also need to calm down on the reading i'm doing.. but i cant help it.. it drives me!! DRIVES ME!!

PS thank you to all my friends who listen and listen and engage in proper and WONDERFUL conversations with me... to you, i owe my entire foundation i've built for myself and for you.

ignorance is bliss, but cannot be appreciated by the ignorant.

Currently reading:

Frantz Fanon "the Wretched of the Earth"

Edmund Morgan "The Birth of the Republic"

those aren't the only two books i'm reading but they're what's pushing me more than anything right now in my trains of thought.... if i can suggest any book to someone who's interested in the process and start of a revolution, it would have to be fanon.. he's an algerian french revolutionary that talks about decolonization and he believes that you can only do it through violence and force... that nonviolence and compromise do NOT work!

OOOOMMMGGG my kitten is laying next to me playing with the zipper on my laptop case and she fell asleep mid-swing of her paw!! probably one of the cutest things i've ever seen... her movements just got slower and she finally just slowly closed her eyes...

ok anyways.. back to what i was saying.. i've been spending a lot of time alone and just reading and i've been noticing that it's hard for me to transition back into tedious bullshit normal conversations with my friends... like yesterday i spent all day reading fanon's book then i went out with my derby team to see Whip It and i was quiet and observant... i slowly went back to having fun and being silly like usual but it was really weird how long it took me to go back to the "simple things in life".... i find myself slowly becoming a lonely philosopher and intellect who has a hard time being a normal 22-year-old with normal 22-year-old problems... everything is bigger than me, greater than me... greater than my small problems

this is a short post... back to reading!!